Dude sayin stuff, if you know what I mean

Demetri Martin has a joke wherein he suggests that you can make anything sound creepy if you end it with "ladies."

"Thanks for coming to my show... ladies."

"Help, I've fallen into a well and I can't get out... ladies."

Well, I find that you can make anything sound suggestive if you attach the phrase "if you know what I mean" on the end of it.  This effect is maximized by cocking an eyebrow, giving a subtle nod, and saying the phrase in a slightly lower pitch.

"Jane and I are going for a walk, if you know what I mean."

"That dinner was terrific, if you know what I mean."

"I hate Canadians... if you know what I mean."

And so on.

If you know what I mean.

Dude sayin stuff about beards

In which I judge the aesthetics of many famous men's chin whiskers.  Without further ado, here are the top 10 WEAKEST BEARDS IN HISTORY.

#10:  SADDAM HUSSEIN

What's going on here, Saddam?  You need to trim that thing!  For crying out loud, it looks like you've been living under a rock for the past few months!  The "distressed homeless man" look is quite unbecoming of a dictator.

#9:  OH SWEET JESUS

Now, perhaps I'm not being entirely fair here.  Depending on when the event was announced,

 Jesus may not have had very much time to grow his Crucifixion Beard.  While this beard really isn't that bad, I must say that it is disappointing.  The son of God should be sporting a beard of a magnitude equal to that of his person.  The image on the right is a perfect example.

#8:  HENRY DAVID THOREAU

This guy put his notions of civil disobedience into action when he decided to grow that horrendous neckbeard.  I think there's a broom staging a sit-in on his face.

#7:  JOHN CALVIN

Mr. Calvin has yet to learn that beardliness is next to godliness.

#6: WILLIAM TECUMSEH SHERMAN

This one merits special attention, as the Civil War is known for being a time of awesome facial hair.  Unfortunately it seems that General Sherman failed to board that train.  

No doubt recognizing the youthful folly of his earlier style, he attempted to salvage his facial hair reputation by apparently taking that chin strap and smearing it in a thin layer over his entire face.  This figurative and literal attempt to save face, as you can see, has failed.  If only he had approached his beard with the same strategy he approached the south.

#5:  FIDEL CASTRO

This patchy Cuban mess was a worse disaster than the Bay of Pigs.

#4:  MAHMOUD AHMADINEJAD

Perhaps it's not the eyes, but the beard, that is a window to the soul.  Ahmadinejad's beard is the definition of weak.  Go big or go home, man.

#3:  PIERRE AUGUSTE-RENOIR

Renoir is an impressionist, but his facial hair is decidedly cubist.  His use of empty space is perplexing, to say the least.

#2:  RICHARD WAGNER

This picture is the reason I made this post in the first place.  It was quite jarring to my sensibilities -- on the one hand this man has composed some truly powerful music, and yet he sports one of the weakest beards ever to be seen by human eyes.  If I were a contemporary of the man, I would not be able to take him seriously.  There is no God in a universe where beards like this exist.

So, who takes the top spot?

#1:  ME
OH SNAP

HONORABLE MENTION: RABINDRANATH TAGORE

Rabindranath Tagore.  No, I don't know who he is either.  However, he has possibly the greatest name in the universe, accompanied by a truly unfortunate beard.

PARTING WORDS

Whether one beards at an amateur or professional level, one must understand that a beard is more than unshaven face - it is a commitment.  You can tell a lot about a man from his beard -- his ambition, his compassion, his attention to detail, and of course what kind of soup he had for lunch.  A weak beard is a sign of a weak individual.

And yes, it was chicken noodle, how'd you know?

Dude sayin stuff about flow charts

Dude says stuff about stagnation of ideas

YES THIS IS THE THIRD POST IN AN HOUR SO THE SUBJECT MATTER DOES NOT EXACTLY MAKE SENSE.  Just stick with me on this (and fear not, the rate at which I update this is about to fall quite drastically.)

If anyone who reads this blog, such as myself, wants to hear my nutty views on any sort of sociopolitical issue, you can leave a comment requesting such.

If I can't think of a good answer then I can at least make something up AND INTERMITTENTLY USE ALL CAPS FOR EMPHASIS because that seems like a pretty effective writing technique.

I bet if Mark Twain had a blog he would totally do that.  Well, if he had a blog and also were still alive.

Coming soon: a blog from the perspective of Mark Twain as a zombie.

Dude sayin stuff about good music

For those of you who are salivating like one of Pavlov's drooltastic pets at the mere inkling of what sorts of subject matter I could be covering in this blog, let me give you an idea, in random shooting from the hip ultimately innacurate percentage estimate form.

THIS BLOG CONTAINS:

12% politics

30% music

48% self-important rambling about one thing or another

0% humorous anecdotes from my day-to-day existence

That being said, since I've already hit politics with my previous post that (hopefully) pisses off everyone and leaves you gasping for air (you would have died, however it is impossible to drown in short-sightedness,) this post will cover music.

The first great period in music was

HAH I AM NOT DOING THAT

So there's this album I've been listening to almost non-stop for the past couple months.  It came out in like 2006 or something like that.  The band goes by the name of Skerik's Syncopated Taint Septet, and the album is Husky.  I was familiar with this Skerik dude from some other crazy awesome stuff he's been involved with.

ANYWAYS this album is crazy good.  The average person will not find it suitable for rocking out in the car or dancing to at the club, but if you give it a listen your brain will do somersaults of joy.

Here's a taste.

It should be noted that one of the tracks on the album is "Go to Hell Mr. Bush," for all you people who enjoy telling people to go to Hell and/or harbor unnatural hatred for public figures.

That wasn't political.

Dude sayin stuff about the economy

The economy is not a thing, like a television set, that can simply be fixed.  It is an amalgam of human thought and behavior.  It is a savage beast; we can attempt to understand it, but we cannot tame it.

"The Market" is a deity and I imagine it looks something like this.

He'll feel better in time, and the less we try to "stimulate" him, the better it will be for all of us.

No, but for reals, government.  I gave you a nice chunk o' dough, and now you're gonna spit some of it back at me and act like we're friends.

Don't give me that money.  Lord knows where it's been.

You've been borrowing from them, haven't you?  You've been talking to those guys that CHEATED AT THE OLYMPICS!

And don't try to act like this is a return on my investment, either, because I'm not buying it.  I didn't even want to do that, dude.  General Motors was in the toilet, but you thought I should invest.  I still didn't want to.

But you made me, because - dammit - you already had my money.

sonofabitch