Dude sayin stuff about beards

In which I judge the aesthetics of many famous men's chin whiskers.  Without further ado, here are the top 10 WEAKEST BEARDS IN HISTORY.

#10:  SADDAM HUSSEIN

What's going on here, Saddam?  You need to trim that thing!  For crying out loud, it looks like you've been living under a rock for the past few months!  The "distressed homeless man" look is quite unbecoming of a dictator.

#9:  OH SWEET JESUS

Now, perhaps I'm not being entirely fair here.  Depending on when the event was announced,

 Jesus may not have had very much time to grow his Crucifixion Beard.  While this beard really isn't that bad, I must say that it is disappointing.  The son of God should be sporting a beard of a magnitude equal to that of his person.  The image on the right is a perfect example.

#8:  HENRY DAVID THOREAU

This guy put his notions of civil disobedience into action when he decided to grow that horrendous neckbeard.  I think there's a broom staging a sit-in on his face.

#7:  JOHN CALVIN

Mr. Calvin has yet to learn that beardliness is next to godliness.

#6: WILLIAM TECUMSEH SHERMAN

This one merits special attention, as the Civil War is known for being a time of awesome facial hair.  Unfortunately it seems that General Sherman failed to board that train.  

No doubt recognizing the youthful folly of his earlier style, he attempted to salvage his facial hair reputation by apparently taking that chin strap and smearing it in a thin layer over his entire face.  This figurative and literal attempt to save face, as you can see, has failed.  If only he had approached his beard with the same strategy he approached the south.

#5:  FIDEL CASTRO

This patchy Cuban mess was a worse disaster than the Bay of Pigs.

#4:  MAHMOUD AHMADINEJAD

Perhaps it's not the eyes, but the beard, that is a window to the soul.  Ahmadinejad's beard is the definition of weak.  Go big or go home, man.

#3:  PIERRE AUGUSTE-RENOIR

Renoir is an impressionist, but his facial hair is decidedly cubist.  His use of empty space is perplexing, to say the least.

#2:  RICHARD WAGNER

This picture is the reason I made this post in the first place.  It was quite jarring to my sensibilities -- on the one hand this man has composed some truly powerful music, and yet he sports one of the weakest beards ever to be seen by human eyes.  If I were a contemporary of the man, I would not be able to take him seriously.  There is no God in a universe where beards like this exist.

So, who takes the top spot?

#1:  ME
OH SNAP

HONORABLE MENTION: RABINDRANATH TAGORE

Rabindranath Tagore.  No, I don't know who he is either.  However, he has possibly the greatest name in the universe, accompanied by a truly unfortunate beard.

PARTING WORDS

Whether one beards at an amateur or professional level, one must understand that a beard is more than unshaven face - it is a commitment.  You can tell a lot about a man from his beard -- his ambition, his compassion, his attention to detail, and of course what kind of soup he had for lunch.  A weak beard is a sign of a weak individual.

And yes, it was chicken noodle, how'd you know?